BETWEEN SESSIONS: Be honest with your intentions

Between sessions is a short reflective podcast from Dr Audrey Tang where she addresses a different topic that has been playing on her mind – with a practical challenge at the end to boot. 

What’s the REAL reason we do something!?  There is a difference between reaching out to connect and reaching out for validation or attention…and people can tell.  Saying that, if your intention IS simply validation or attention – have at it!!

If you enjoy this style – try her podcast: Retrain Your Brain for Success – it’s a couple of years old now, but she still practices what she preaches there: https://draudreyt.buzzsprout.com 

About the Show

Each Thursday at 4pm, we broadcast on LinkedIn and YouTube, with the podcast released simultaneously on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 

Then every Friday at 4pm, you’ll also receive a bonus podcast episode (like this one!) - a carefully selected recent conversation offering practical insight and timeless support.

Wherever you listen, you’re invited to pause, reflect, and reconnect: 

PODCAST: https://mentalhealthmatters.buzzsprout.com

YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5dbYRwciNQ3c2hZwpsfxnNIvpijH4S2b 

Today's show is hosted by

Dr Audrey Tang www.draudreyt.com  @draudreyt

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hello and welcome to Mental Health Matters Between Sessions with me, Dr. Audrey Tang. This is where I reflect on something that's been bugging me during the week. It's a solar reflection, it's a short little podcast, it may have bad language in it. If you like it, please check out my other Between Sessions podcasts or retrain your brain. This week I'm thinking about being honest with your intention. This is a phrase I've used a lot recently, and I've noticed other practitioners using it around me. It started a few weeks back when I was interviewing an eco-influencer about climate healthy practices, and making conscious choices was one of her key instructions. We often go through life not just on autopilot, but on old program patterns, which serve to keep our brain safe. It's why changes are really difficult to make without effort. We need to actively practice doing something different until our brain is convinced that that different thing isn't a threat, and life is actually much better for us in this new way. And that's actually true, even if the old practices were unhealthy. And we slip back because even if we've spent a month in new mode, we've likely spent over a year plus in the old. Then I had a conversation with a men's health speaker about vulnerability. And this is of course a very positive thing. But I posed the question: what about those cryptic posts on socials where it really feels like someone is fishing for attention? Well, that's likely their intention, was the response. And he went on to discuss the difference between being vulnerable to support or to connect and oversharing for validity. So to break this down, some people might share their vulnerability because someone else has shared theirs, and it's a means to connect. So for example, that's so sad. When I lost my dad, I felt similar. Others may share it to share growth and change. For example, I used to think that way too. I was always so angry, but then I started counselling and it made me realize. And there's even a further option. If our nervous system is so programmed to explain everything, especially when we think we might be at fault, we might also overshare. I'm so sorry I'm late. I had a horrible time getting here, my car wouldn't start, and then I stepped into a puddle running for a bus. And then I accidentally went to the wrong floor. This is showing a lot of vulnerability of not winning the day. But when we think about it, do we really want to share this? But for some reason, our nervous system needs to explain or over-explain everything, often to try and avoid any further imagined punishment. I don't want to go into that one because this relates to our conditioning and it's too long and too complex a discussion for this blog or this podcast. But what I will say is if you feel that urge, recognize the person who conditioned you is not the person you are. So, you know, be aware that some of those things that are causing you to overshare, that may not be your voice. Anyway, the point is none of the above is wrong. And actually, it's not wrong to ask for attention either, as long as you're honest about your intention and aware of the consequences it might have. In nervous system overdrive, for example, you know, the I forgot my car keys, I stepped in a puddle, I lost where I was, etc. etc., it can actually give the impression that you are far clumsier than you actually are. You just had a bad time getting into work for it. It happens. In the validity seeking example, you might get a few responses the first time, and then honestly, people might get a bit bored and a bit angry that you don't seem to realize that they have issues too. Or worse, they may use what you're posting against you. In both those cases, I would suggest that you may need some professional intervention to help you work through the real reason behind your needs, but as I always say, nothing is wrong, but just be honest. And that is what I mean by being honest with your intention. Communication is data to a psychologist, and it should be data to us as well. It's information. As a person, unfortunately, communication can be emotionally annoying or emotionally supportive on the good side. But let's stay professional, let's look at it as data. If you know why you're sharing and what you're sharing, then the next step will be understanding what did you want to gain from that. Or you might realize the next step is getting help with what you need beneath the communication. And it might even be you can circumvent any awkwardness and state, I'm about to share this for validation. And that's okay too. Again, it's just about being honest. So this is your challenge for the day. And to be honest, it's my challenge every day. Be honest with your intentions when it comes to your communication. What are you looking to do? Are you asking for help? Are you sharing to connect? Are you being passive aggressive? That is commonly one of mine. Are you doing it because you don't know how to stop? Are you seeking attention? Is it anything else? Ask yourself those questions before you share, before you post, and then ask yourself, why am I doing this? Is there a better, healthier way I can get what I need? I'm not saying don't be vulnerable. I'm not saying don't share. But recognize that vulnerability is actually a very powerful gift. So use it and share with those who appreciate its value. And that appreciation starts with you knowing your intention.